19:58 Jazz Blackwell 1 Comments

On Saturday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the postman had oh-so-kindly delivered not one, but two letters for me. As someone with an eBay addiction that is probably bordering on 'time-to-call-rehab' levels, more often than not if a package arrives at our house it's some secondhand book I've ordered or a crafty bit for some mental project I came up with a midnight. But letters for me, outside of the regular fan mail (read: bank statement) are a rarity. Naturally, I was over the moon excited about having two right there for me. Unfortunately, however, my happiness was dashed the second I opened the envelopes. 

The first, a list of my exams - which are approaching more rapidly than I'm comfortable with - and a form for me to check off whether everything looks dandy or not. 

The second, from Student Finance England, confirming that my loan application has been approved. 

It was at this point that I realised, like an icy cold punch to the gut, that the clock is a-ticking away for me in terms of school. My first exams are in May, just over a month away. My last one is 17th June. My school prom is 30th June. After that? Just killing time til results day, when I find out which uni I'm barrelling off to. 

And fuck, if that isn't terrifying. 

Thing is, as a person, I'm quite independent. Always have been, most likely always will be. I enjoy my own company as much as I enjoy anybody else's, I have no qualms with being alone or doing things alone. I'm absolutely happy with not having to rely on other people to make my way through life. 

But, independent as I may be, there's a difference between having no qualms with your own company, and shooting off to a new place where you don't know anybody or anything around you. I've moved houses twice in my life, but I've always lived in and around the same one-horse, go-nowhere, backwoods town, out in the English equivalent of the boondocks. Of course I've been to big cities - Chester is my home from home and my mum and I often take short city breaks with friends over the summer holidays. But I've never had to live in one for more than a few days. Growing up, two of my uncles owned farms and I very much had a countryside upbringing. Corny as it may seem, I'm a bit of country bumpkin at heart. I never thought I'd say it, but the thought of up and leaving this speck of you-know-what on the pants-seat of nowhere really kinda saddens me. 

As always, though, there's a flipside. I really am excited to go to university, and I know living in a city is going to be so much better for job prospects. I have my heart set on doing something with creative writing, be it journalism or something else. In terms of that kind of career, there's absolutely nothing for me where I am right now. I'm an ambitious person, and I would absolutely kick myself if I didn't seize my opportunity to have everything I've wanted since I was about ten years old, just because I'm having some silly crisis about what I want to do right in this second. Temptation will lean on the doorbell, friends. Opportunity knocks but once. 

The long and short of this post is that I'm petrified of the future. But that's okay. I think we all are, just a little bit. 

Happy reading, 
Jazz xo 

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1 comment:

  1. You've somehow managed to capture the full range of my emotions concerning going to university. Well done for such a well-written encapsulation of the pre-uni jitters!