COFFEE TALK #5 - MY STRANGE PHOBIAS

21:40 Jazz Blackwell 0 Comments


I don't care what some people try to tell me - everybody is afraid of something. 

Some of those fears are entirely justified. The fear of walking down an unlit alleyway alone at night is logical, because there are assholes in the world and that could very well be how you die. The fear of deranged psychopaths with chainsaws is logical, because they'll probably saw your face off and wear it as their face. The fear of wild and ferocious beasts is logical because they will eat you, in a manner that is both wild and ferocious. 

Some fears, however, are less justified. In fact, they're straight up irrational. I've a friend who is afraid of cold sauces, another who is afraid of baked beans, and a third who is afraid of holes. These slightly-less-than-logical fears are more commonly known as phobias, and we all have one. Some people have a few - myself included. I thought I would share some of mine with you, so we can all point and laugh at me. Enjoy. 

ANY AND ALL FUNGUS 
Yes, this does include edible mushrooms. 

This is the one phobia on this list that I do know the origin of. Many, many years ago I read an article about how you can inhale the spores of certain types of mould and they continue to reproduce and grow in your lungs and essentially suffocate you from the inside. Now, I don't really fear death at all. But if that isn't the most screwed up, terrifying, horror movie shit you've ever heard in your life, I don't know what to tell you. Of course, me being me and having the wild imagination and irrational brain that I have, this extended further to all fungus and now I'm convinced if I breathe too close to any kind of fungus, I'll have a swarm of shitakis inside my lungs. 

MAYONNAISE
No idea where this one came from, but everything about mayonnaise is absolutely repulsive to me. The way that it looks, the way that it smells, the way that it feels and the way that it tastes are enough to make me physically vomit. How anybody can eat the stuff and genuinely enjoy it is light years beyond my understanding. 

ACHILLES TENDONS 
Just to clarify, I don't have a phobia specifically of this body part. I'm totally okay with this guy existing, chilling down there, doing its thing, letting me walk and such. The thing that horrifies me here is the idea of the tendon being in someway ruptured or sliced, a la the horror movie Hostel. And I do believe horror movies are to blame for this; my childhood spent seeking out scary flicks that were in no way age appropriate exposed me to this far too much at far too young an age, and now I'm scared of this happening to the point that I'll freak out if anybody so much as touches the back of my heel. 

And now you all know why I live my life in boots. 

SMALL SPACES 
So claustrophobia is a very very common phobia and I almost didn't put it on this list, but for those of you who are like me, you know how dumb and irrational this fear is. This links back to my mould fear, and how I just think suffocation is the most terrifying thing in the world. If I'm in a space where I can touch the nearest barrier at less than arms length, you'd better believe I'm gonna freak out - especially if that space also happens to be hot. However, note that I listed this as small spaces and didn't include crowds. Generally in a crowd, I'm outside. If I can access fresh air, I can usually handle a small space. If not, panic attacks will happen. 

THINGS GROWING THROUGH HOLES
I left this one for the grand finale, because I'm well aware of how bizarrely specific it is. 

As I mentioned earlier, I have a friend who is phobic of holes. While not recognised medically, this - nicknamed trypophobia - is a pretty common occurrence. I'm not particularly bothered by holes themselves. Until something starts growing in them. Then I want to be sick everywhere. 

This phobia surfaced quite recently - only last summer. In the wacky wonderful world of Poundstretcher, we sell plant bulbs in the spring and summer months. The bulbs come packaged in soil or sawdust to stop them from going stale, and are contained in bags with small holes to allow oxygen to get in. While serving a customer, I noticed that one bulb had started to grow roots, which were beginning to emerge through the holes, and I genuinely almost projectile vomited all over my till. Also intensely troublesome to me is that rubber matting that they put down under the grass in children's playgrounds - you know the one I mean. Black stuff, full of holes. Seeing the grass and weeds come up through those holes is cringe worthy to me. Because this phobia is so very specific, I can generally get through my life avoiding it - look only at the barcode on the bulbs at work, avoid kid's parks as much as possible. 

Although it bothers me if I think about hair for too long.... 


So those are my rather bizarre and very irrational phobias? Do you guys have any? Let me know down in the comments. 

Happy reading,
Jazz xo 

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